Monday, April 09, 2012

LXB | My Hollywood blockbuster



I'm still catching up to the rest of the League of Extraordinary Bloggers, so here's what I would do with the following assignment:

You are a big shot Hollywood movie producer with an unlimited budget. You need to assemble the ultimate ensemble cast for a movie that is sure to fill every movie theater seat around the world. Who do you hire and what kind of film are you going to make?

First, I'd buy my way into the head seat at the Pirates of the Caribbean table and hire Brad Bird to write and direct the next sequel with the following input from me. It would be called Pirates of the Caribbean: The Lost Colony and would have Jack Sparrow team up with my 17th century version of the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen to find out what happened to the lost colony on Roanoke. (I know that Alan Moore already created a 17th century LXG, but mine's designed to be more commercial than Captain Owe-much and Amber St Clair. I totally stole my villains from his version though. And mine wouldn't actually be called the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen; it's just a collection of famous fictional characters from a particular period in history.)



Joining Captain Jack Sparrow would be the Three Musketeers, played by their 1993 versions: Oliver Platt, Charlie Sheen, and Kiefer Sutherland. Platt's always awesome, but Sheen and Sutherland are especially interesting to audiences right now (though for very different reasons).



Then we'd have Viggo Mortensen reprising his role as Captain Alatriste (which I still can't find in the US, dadgummit).



And Emma Stone as a sarcastic version of Hector Prynne from The Scarlet Letter.



Joining her would be a trio of Salem witches played by Lily Collins (Mirror Mirror), Molly Quinn (Castle), and Gabriella Wilde (last year's Three Musketeers).



So those are our good guys. What they learn is that the Roanoke colony disappeared as part of a scheme by Shakespeare's Prospero from The Tempest, played by Ian McKellen.



And of course Prospero is in partnership with supernatural forces led by the air spirit, Ariel (Devon Aoki).



Now...wouldn't you want to see that?

The rest of the LXB came up with some awesome movies that I'd want to see too.

  • Life With Fandom developed the ultimate space opera starring (amongst others) Elijah Wood, Hugh Jackman, Will Smith, and The Rock against Ian McKellen and Karen Gillen. 
  • Team Hellions created an all-female Expendables starring fifteen different butt-kicking women including some of my favorites like Angelina Jolie, Lucy Lawless, Chloe Moretz, Milla Jovovich, Kate Beckinsale, and Gina Carano.
  • LXB-host Brian put together the ultimate Western starring Kurt Russell, Kevin Costner, Harrison Ford (I agree that he needs a do-over), Leonardo DiCaprio, Diane Lane, and Kate Beckinsale.
Check out Cool and Collected to see the rest of the dream blockbusters including a hackers flick, a live-action adaptation of the '80s Dungeons and Dragons cartoon, a Community movie that replaces the TV actors with movie stars, a Booster Gold/Blue Beetle buddy movie, and an all-new Cannonball Run.

2 comments:

Erik Johnson said...

I was hooked with your idea of making the Roarke Colony the film's MacGuffin. My mother has been teaching her students about the subject in his history class recently so it is fresh in my mind.

Jack definitely needs an ensemble crew to ground his antics, a good looking man like Viggo would be a welcome addition though I wonder if he's to ruff and grubby to play opposite Depp. I suspect that Orlando Bloom's boyish looks were chosen for that contrast.

I'm not sure I see how the Musketeers will fit in but if you say Oliver Platt is in, then so am I.

Given all of the supernatural stuff Jack encounters having a trio of witches on his crew feels like the best thing to do.

I had an "OH SNAP!" moment when you revealed Prospero as the villain, its a role that fits the franchise like a glove. Ian McKellen would be great, and I would love to see him in the part, but he's already done the Wizard before. Humor me and try this on for size: Patrick Stewart.

My only real issue is the name "The Lost Colony" isn't an exciting name. Not to mention "Lost" is a very negative word, and "Colony" a bit boring sounding, which is not what you want in a hit franchise. I'd suggest "Voyage of the Lost Souls" (Voyage implies Direction and Action, Lost Souls lays out the purpose of the voyage, or perhaps implies a double meaning at Jack and Company)

Maybe something with "Tempest" or "Island" to give it some flavor.

Brad Bird would be a great choice for director, but if you're going to mix Jack Sparrow with so many literary characters then please, please, please have Nicholas Meyer to write the screenplay! He did HG Wells vs Jack the Ripper in "Time After Time", he had Sherlock Holmes team up with Sigmund Frued in "Seven Percent Solution" and even pitched "Wrath of Khan" as "Horatio Hornblower vs Captain Ahab". If Meyer can't do it, get Greg Weissman to punch it up, the man knows his Shakespeare and his action, as we've seen in "Gargoyles" and "Spectacular Spider-Man".

Michael May said...

How about "Lost Colony of Tempest Island?" I'm all for long, pulpy titles. "Souls" sounds more spiritual than I'd want this to be.

It's interesting you brought up Patrick Stewart. I was torn between him and McKellen, but decided on McKellen because I suspect he's the bigger draw with general audiences.

That's a good point about his potentially being wizarded-up though. Hopefully, a seventeenth century Prospero would be different enough from Gandalf that no one would mind.

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